God Shouts

In this path that I have chosen, I have come to realize that I may as well come to expect the unexpected.  Every day is different than the day before.  I have seen, heard, experienced things that have been far outside my expectations and outside my control.  I have learned through this that I can let go of my perceived control, it's just an illusion anyway.  And I can receive my circumstances as gifts, knowing that they are all there to point me back to Him.  Sometimes I hate the uncertainty of it all, but I know that the only thing worse would be certainty.


This last week and a half has been no exception.  I have a condition that flares up from time to time called trigeminal neuralgia.  It is harmless but incredibly painful and debilitating.  Since a week ago Sunday, it became so bad that I couldn’t even talk.  All I could do was lie down and be still.  Any of you who have chronic pain conditions understand that the physical pain affects you on an emotional level.  It causes me to question things, to question God.  Am I being punished?  If I had more faith, then could I be healed?  One thing I do know, as much as I hate to admit it, is that this pain has served me well.  I was reading what Paul wrote about having a thorn in the flesh.  He said that the curse was actually a gift...

“  Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-10(the Message)


I don’t even know anymore if God wants this, maybe He will heal me at anytime but for now the pain keeps me in constant communication with God.  So somehow I am in the place where I don’t want it and I want God to take it (and believe He will) but until He does I’m trying to thank Him for this thorn in the flesh because it draws me near to Him.  

I also have made up that when I have to separate myself from my community because of this affliction, somehow I am letting everyone down.  But I think the affliction has actually drawn me closer to others who suffer.  The truth is, the circumstances that have united us together at Sondays had nothing to do with people going church-shopping or people finding others that have the same belief systems or people that have the same passions or hobbies, the common ground that has united us is that we suffer.  It has been the result of really hard times and bad circumstances and let-downs and fall-outs.  I want to see this and acknowledge this because when we understand this we can understand that no matter what pits we have dug ourselves into and no matter how many mistakes we have made, God hasn’t given up on us.  As C.S Lewis said, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  Agreed!  And it’s not an angry shout.  It’s Him letting us know that He is so there for us.  And He usually shows us something that we need to learn that we haven’t yet learned.  


And He is currently in the process of showing me something, I think He’s taking me through an entire paradigm shift.


I have been more out of the loop over the last week and a half then I have the last 6 years.  It has been weird, but it has also been healing for me to be with just my family and God. I have had to really let go of my perceived role as pastor.  We have become so tightly woven into each other’s lives at Sondays, and I have felt responsible for the forward progress of the community and it’s really not about me.  Sondays people do a great job of letting me know how loved I am, and how needed I am, but I think God is taking me to a new place where my role is being re-defined.  I am entering into a season of rest and refreshment. I have had undoubted confirmation on this, which I will share maybe next time. I still don’t know logistically what this will turn out to look like, but it feels so good to know that there is a continual process taking place that is re-forming me, re-creating me, and renewing me.  It reminds me Still learning the unforced rhythms of grace.  Thank you, God.  What’s happening reminds me of a piece I wrote for a film Travis did a year or so ago about transfiguration.  Watch it here http://www.vimeo.com/9336880


PS...A woman from our community needed to move at the last minute this past week. Sondays folks came through with flying colors, they came together and made it happen, not because their pastor asked them to, (I didn’t even know she was moving), but it was because they are giving of themselves in love, and giving themselves to Love.  I love it!