In this path that I have chosen, I have come to realize that I may as well come to expect the unexpected. Every day is different than the day before. I have seen, heard, experienced things that have been far outside my expectations and outside my control. I have learned through this that I can let go of my perceived control, it's just an illusion anyway. And I can receive my circumstances as gifts, knowing that they are all there to point me back to Him. Sometimes I hate the uncertainty of it all, but I know that the only thing worse would be certainty.
This last week and a half has been no exception. I have a condition that flares up from time to time called trigeminal neuralgia. It is harmless but incredibly painful and debilitating. Since a week ago Sunday, it became so bad that I couldn’t even talk. All I could do was lie down and be still. Any of you who have chronic pain conditions understand that the physical pain affects you on an emotional level. It causes me to question things, to question God. Am I being punished? If I had more faith, then could I be healed? One thing I do know, as much as I hate to admit it, is that this pain has served me well. I was reading what Paul wrote about having a thorn in the flesh. He said that the curse was actually a gift...
“ Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-10(the Message)
I don’t even know anymore if God wants this, maybe He will heal me at anytime but for now the pain keeps me in constant communication with God. So somehow I am in the place where I don’t want it and I want God to take it (and believe He will) but until He does I’m trying to thank Him for this thorn in the flesh because it draws me near to Him.
I also have made up that when I have to separate myself from my community because of this affliction, somehow I am letting everyone down. But I think the affliction has actually drawn me closer to others who suffer. The truth is, the circumstances that have united us together at Sondays had nothing to do with people going church-shopping or people finding others that have the same belief systems or people that have the same passions or hobbies, the common ground that has united us is that we suffer. It has been the result of really hard times and bad circumstances and let-downs and fall-outs. I want to see this and acknowledge this because when we understand this we can understand that no matter what pits we have dug ourselves into and no matter how many mistakes we have made, God hasn’t given up on us. As C.S Lewis said, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Agreed! And it’s not an angry shout. It’s Him letting us know that He is so there for us. And He usually shows us something that we need to learn that we haven’t yet learned.
And He is currently in the process of showing me something, I think He’s taking me through an entire paradigm shift.
I have been more out of the loop over the last week and a half then I have the last 6 years. It has been weird, but it has also been healing for me to be with just my family and God. I have had to really let go of my perceived role as pastor. We have become so tightly woven into each other’s lives at Sondays, and I have felt responsible for the forward progress of the community and it’s really not about me. Sondays people do a great job of letting me know how loved I am, and how needed I am, but I think God is taking me to a new place where my role is being re-defined. I am entering into a season of rest and refreshment. I have had undoubted confirmation on this, which I will share maybe next time. I still don’t know logistically what this will turn out to look like, but it feels so good to know that there is a continual process taking place that is re-forming me, re-creating me, and renewing me. It reminds me Still learning the unforced rhythms of grace. Thank you, God. What’s happening reminds me of a piece I wrote for a film Travis did a year or so ago about transfiguration. Watch it here http://www.vimeo.com/9336880
PS...A woman from our community needed to move at the last minute this past week. Sondays folks came through with flying colors, they came together and made it happen, not because their pastor asked them to, (I didn’t even know she was moving), but it was because they are giving of themselves in love, and giving themselves to Love. I love it!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Less Us, More God
If you asked the question, “what does the world really need right now?”, my answer would not be “another blog”. But my good friend and fellow pastor Les suggested that this year might be a good year for me to keep a weekly journal of what my community and I are experiencing. The suggestion was made because there are people who do not go to Sondays but are still invested in the community at large. And I thank all of you who have invested your time, talents, prayers, and financial support in order to further the cause of Sondays. These investments are not in vain. We see life come from death in our community. We see brokenness transform into wholeness. We see light penetrate darkness. 80% of our community are either homeless and/or addicted, or formerly homeless and/or addicted. So when the Spirit of God brings hope into our community, its easier to spot. When someone breaks free from an addiction by going into the place of surrender, the contrast is stark, and for this we are thankful. Here are some voices in our community. http://vimeo.com/16803755
It’s amazing to think that God has this perfect plan of redemption, and He chooses to use very imperfect people to execute His perfect plan. We used to think we were called to help and teach people who are down and out, at the end of their rope. I guess I still believe that to be true, but I was not prepared for the fact that “those” people have taught me as much or more than I could ever teach them. When Jesus said things like “the first will be last, the last will be first” and “in order to gain your life, you must first lose your life”, its not that I thought those statements were untrue, its just that it was impossible for me to truly grasp the implication of those words. But since the first year of Sondays, back in 2005, I now have experienced the truth of Christ’s words. I have seen that when it comes to life within the Kingdom of God, the realm that Jesus so often spoke of, the ones that are the most overlooked in this kingdom are the first to recognize His Kingdom. This is because they have seen and experienced that this world has very little to offer them.
The rest of us hold on to the things of this world, believing that temporary things will give us lasting peace or joy, and we become addicted to those things. Of course we don’t say or even see it that way. We say that we don’t have addictions, we aren’t drug addicts. But our addictions are much more subtle, and therefore potentially more dangerous. In our community, we call addiction anything we go to in order to feel better other than the Source of all healing. Which means we are addicted to relationships, how we are perceived by others, work, excessive exercise, money, etc...
I would never have said I was addicted to money, I never pursued money, I never needed an expensive car or expensive things. I have given away money even when I didn’t have it to give away. But over the last year when we lost all of our financial “security”, I realized that I was at least addicted to knowing how my mortgage was going to get paid, how my car note and cell phone bill were going to get paid. You may say that that’s just a natural part of life. We all have bills and we have to figure out how to pay those bills. I agree 100%. It is a natural part of life. But when all of those securities have been stripped away (even by one’s own hand), like I have seen with friends in our community, that is when the natural exits the scene and the supernatural enters the scene. It’s a case of Christ’s strength being perfected in our weakness. This makes it easier to understand that the last to get it (in this kingdom) are the first to get it (in the Kingdom of God).
This path doesn’t always feel rewarding, especially when the work I do is coming from my own strength and not His, but when this work becomes a natural expression and outpouring of the love that I receive from God, that in itself is the reward. Its so simple and I make it so complicated. Well, Les, I think this journal or blog or whatever you want to call it might benefit me as much as anyone else, so thanks for the suggestion.
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope, with less of you there is more of God and His rule.” --Jesus
Matthew 5:3 (the Message) By the way, as an example of what brokenness to wholeness looks like, click on this link so you can see my friend Darla's story. She showed up toward the very beginning of Sondays and has been with us ever since. http://vimeo.com/16707070
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